The UPside of the downside..

So a few days ago i was a complete mess and today I feel like I’ve never felt better. Its a good feeling, the feeling of being in tune with one's self, of knowing what you want and of feeling content. I guess everything boils down to perspective..on how you look at the world around you, how you decide to make the best of every situation. Let me tell you, i am not a very optimistic person to start with so either I m changing for the better or this is one of those climbs before the steep fall in the roller coaster of life. Whatever it is, I don’t want it to change, I have been feeling good about myself and I like it.
What brought on this change?? Don’t ask me!! Ok maybe do ask me; somehow during the last few days it actually sunk in that I am not actually in love with him, I just want him because I can’t have him. I know that’s juvenile but you can’t help what you feel right…so I changed my perspective on the situation and its been a good few days. So rare that you feel so centered in life, so content with whatever is happening with you that I thought maybe instead of just venting when I am angry or hurt or distressed I should also put down the “highs”( and not just the alcohol induced)of life.
Oh and I went shopping, so that’s always good and I am traveling for work tomorrow and then extending it with a mini vacation with him so excited about that too.
Ok time to call it a night, work tomorrow and then off to the airport!!

Yes...no..noo..yess..umm maybe?

March 11, 2008
**i wrote this on march 11 when i was feeling completely lost but couldnt post it till now. To keep authencity of the blog, i wish i could post back dated blogs...but oh well..****

We tell ourselves we wont make the same mistakes again, but how often does that actually help? Dont we end up ignoring our own advice and stumble and fall over and over again? And if we do, what is the way out? how do we tell ourselves to stop the brutal damange we keep doing to our hearts and minds?
I know what i am doing is wrong, well not really wrong but its not doing any good. all it does it hurt my feelings over and over again. I am not causing damange to anyone but myself, is that still wrong? or is it legal to damage our own sanity?
What do you do when you are in love with someone who is in love with someone else? isn't that life's biggest irony? I know this happens to countless people but I still feel like I am the first one to go through this suffering(although not for the first time but feels as painful as ever). I cant even blame anyone else for it this time, it is totally my own doing. I told myself i wont make the mistake again, i wont fall in love again or get attached to someone who will hurt me again, but oh well life happens.
Funny how i can go from being completely angry and resentful to totally aloof in the span of few hours. I dont know if everyone has such volatile emotions or its just me...makes it difficult to understand what i actually feel..Which feeling is true?what i am feeling right now or the way i felt 3 hours ago !!