Blast from the Past..

I tried so hard, And got so far, But in the end, It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall, To lose it all, But in the end, It doesn’t even matter…..

Sometimes I can’t help but wonder if our life is already plotted out on the grid of the world by the powers-that-be, and all we have to do is accept the path chalked out for us. Can we really change the course of our life? Does it matter what we want? Or if we want things to be different, people to change? Is there a form I can fill out and someone will make those changes and send me an email when it’s all done??


I finally met up with Ex( yes I know, the full story coming soon) on Saturday. He suggested one of our regular hangouts when we were with each other, and I wasn’t too keen on going there..too many memories associated with that place. So finally after a lot of googling, calling friends and cousins I came up with a list of options where we could go thinking I could atleast coax him to try a new place now! He’s the kind you lives by the tried and tested, while I am all for exploring new restaurants and experimenting with food (see why we broke up? This is just the tip of the iceberg tho). Finally settled on a new place which sounded promising – rooftop seating and Indian food ( I knew he would pick this place before I even send him the list, hes a dal, chawal, chicken curry guy). But as if my apprehension about meeting him alone after almost 6 months wasn’t enough, we had an hour or so to kill since the restaurant opens only at 8 (we were meeting at 7), so it was back to him sending me a sms saying “ seems like we are destined to go to oxford today”, oh well, I guess I might as well get over all of it in one go. I was feeling a little weird about the whole thing, excited and apprehensive at the same time, oh and throw in nervous there too. Ya I guess that sums it all up.

Thankfully this time the powers-that-be decided that for once ‘Thee shalt nought make fool of theeself’ , so I did not get all awkward and silent when we met but rather, I was my chirpy and witty self. My nervousness all but vanished a few minutes after we sat down at ‘our’ table (which I don’t know if he noticed, but didn’t bring to his attn) and started talking about random stuff. My phone kept ringing off the hook for the first 30 mins, which I knew he didn’t like so after a bit I put it on silent and shoved it deep down in my purse.

After about an hour of bonding at the café and surprisingly no awkward moments we headed out to go to dinner. The more I struggled to make sure the evening wasn’t a walk down the memory lane, it was turning into just that. The new restaurant I wanted to try, was in one of the by lanes which we had once walked thru numerous times when we were tying to discover colaba. We were in and out of the place in less than 10 mins – the waiters snooty attitude and the fact that they didn’t serve alcohol was enough to drive us away. Once again, we were on the streets walking towards Leo’s with just one thought running through my mind – why-oh-why-does-this-have-to-happen-to-me!!!

Leo’s is the only place other than Oxford he would agree to go to for the entire 6 months we were together if we were anywhere in south Mumbai. So again Vrrrrroooooommmmmmmm – the memories came rushing back and as if this wasn’t enough we get the exact same table which we always got when we were there. This time he did notice and ask, ‘Isn’t this table we always get?’ and I meekly nod my head trying to act all nonchalant.

Other than all the flashbacks going on in the background, we had a blast. It was almost a surreal feeling. It seemed like I was thrown back in time to our first few dates when we both just sat and talked and talked and everything was so new and exciting. It was almost like re-discovering each other again, something I am glad we are able to do. I have always enjoyed his company and again realized how well we understand each other and the conversation flows so easily. There were times when I was soo happy that I wanted to cry out of happiness. I haven’t felt the way I did with him with anyone else since him. That’s the problem actually; I don’t think I am 100% over him yet. No I don’t cry myself to sleep every night thinking about him, but somewhere deep down I still miss him. If there are 50 reasons why I want to be with him, I can come up with atleast the same amount if not more for why we shouldn’t be together.

I wish I could change the things that keep us from being a great couple, I wish instead of just great friends we can have more…I wish we can be what the other wants in a partner..but will doing that change the people we are now? Will we loose our appeal if we change to become partners instead of friends?? I even made a statement during the evening saying ‘ I wouldn’t repeat the same mistake twice’ and it was refferening to our relationship, but did I really mean it? Would I be willing to risk it all again? Is that what we are headed towards??

I don’t want to fall for him again, but how ever hard I try, there’s this invisible force that keeps pulling us towards each other…..but I am soo gonna try to stay true to my word and not make the same mistake again.
Please powers-to-be, don’t keep changing the course of my life ever so often that I don’t know where I am headed towards and fall back into the past .
And please-o-please don’t you dare ruin this wonderful friendship which has started to blossom again… which makes me happy, he makes me happy. :)


PS: oh I think he thought I looked nice, but ofcourse he will never come out and say it, but he did notice my new haircut ..YAY !