Happy non-anniversary to me.!!

What’s this about now you ask, and to be honest even I am not sure. Today is the 1yr anniversary of the first date I went on with Ex…but does it still count as an anniversary if we are not together anymore? I don’t care, I am still gonna think of it as one because I want to cherish and celebrate this day or at least the memory I have of this day. I asked him today, “Do you know what’s today?” and promptly a message pops up on my chat window, “What?” I say “think” You say “No games please, and I cant think” and that’s the end of that. Maybe I’ll tell you later …

But the irony of the whole situation is that we are in fact meeting today – in lieu of the new friendship thing we are trying, but still I did not want to meet him today. I don’t want to replace the memory of this day with anything else.

Lets rename Ex first because I don’t really like that term anymore, it refers to someone who’s not a part of my life anymore. So lets call this funny guy Calvin(his fav cartoon
too).

Ok, Flashback to …Dec 2006.

Calvin and I have been working in the same place for about a year now. We know each other as someone whom we see in the cafeteria or have shared a cab from the station sometime. He noticed a book in my hand once and we talked about it for a little while.
(he remembered all this btw , I had no clue) , so ya we were basically hi-bye friends.
Then I got promoted and landed in the training dept, which was the same that happened to Calvin too. I should mention that I worked in a male dominated company and was considered “one of the guys” so I never even thought about any guy in the office as potential relationship material and was very casual with everyone. So slowly we started to get to know each other and were training a batch together (my first training batch). Eventually we found out that we had a lot of common interests and started enjoying each others company.
So about a year and few days ago, one Friday he told me that is probably going to be on my side of town the next day( he lives in Thane which is like miles away) so I told him to call me if he was around and wanted to hang out. We decided we would catch a play if we could. So that Saturday (13th jan btw) we met at prithvi café for their famous Irish Coffee, and spent hours sitting and chatting. I was amazed at how well we connected and enjoyed the evening, so did he. We couldn’t catch a play that day as it was all sold out, but Cal (that’s what I am gonna call him now) booked tickets to a play called Crab (till-date I have no idea what tht play is about) which was on 17th Jan 2007 (he used to say this was the smartest thing he ever did, until ofcourse we broke up). Again, since I have a brain the size of a pea I still hadn’t caught on that he fancies me.
We started a SMS marathon from that evening onwards till Monday morning when we met again at work.
This is where my memory is slightly fuzzy but I’ll try to remember as much as possible. After work that Monday or Tuesday I was supposed to meet my best friend for a drink so I asked if he wanted to join us and he agreed. Ok now this is the interesting part, we sit in a cab and in a few minutes he holds my hand. I didn’t know what the hell the happening. I think I kept still from the sheer shock of it, and he took it as a positive gesture. So anyway we meet my friend, have a couple of drinks (him – couple, me & friend – no idea) and then on the way back my friend is like – ohmygodhe’scrazyaboutyou in that shrieking squeaky voice. I told her she was out of her mind, but that’s when I started thinking about it. So finally Wednesday happened and we took off from work (all secretive since we didn’t want ppl at work to talk about us – another reason for breakup in the future) and reached Prithvi long before the play was about to start. So we sat there talking about random things but apparently I was super quiet that evening. This is what I remember about the part before the play – I was sitting there staring at a wall listening to some guy playing the flute there and Calvin talking about something. The next thing I know is we are holding hands and sitting there without talking, without moving. Finally its time to go in and so we move. I remember feeling so complete, so much at peace at myself in that time of just being there. Now, don’t ask what happening in the play or the rest of the evening. I think we went for a walk on the beach after that play and talked and talked and talked, that’s when I knew I was hooked.
They say that the first’s of any kind are always memorable, and I think that day is something which will be tucked deep inside where I can keep it safe for the rest of my lives, along with the other heartwarming memories…..

Things kept moving forward from that day on, and before I could catch my breath I had fallen in love – truly madly deeply style at that too !
I had intended to write about our entire relationship today but somehow don’t want to get into the uglier aspects of it when I am cherishing the lovely memories of our time together. So all the depressing stuff can wait, also I better start wrapping up at work. I am meeting him to go window shopping for cell phones, ironic eh?

Oh well, that’s how life is…up…down..up..down…up …down .....VVRrrrrrooooooooommmmmmm and then somewhere suddenly you’ll fall in love …..


EDIT 1: I think this is almighty's way of reminding me why we are not together. Well, remember the plan about going shopping? ok, i am about to leave work in 10 mins and message him to ask him something and i get a reply - sorry might not be able to make it today. will call you later.

WHY WHY WHY can't he call me and let me know in advance if hes not going to make it, he does this every time and nothing pisses me off more than a last minute cancellation.
So much for happy memories....i m gonna cry now !

Blast from the Past..

I tried so hard, And got so far, But in the end, It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall, To lose it all, But in the end, It doesn’t even matter…..

Sometimes I can’t help but wonder if our life is already plotted out on the grid of the world by the powers-that-be, and all we have to do is accept the path chalked out for us. Can we really change the course of our life? Does it matter what we want? Or if we want things to be different, people to change? Is there a form I can fill out and someone will make those changes and send me an email when it’s all done??


I finally met up with Ex( yes I know, the full story coming soon) on Saturday. He suggested one of our regular hangouts when we were with each other, and I wasn’t too keen on going there..too many memories associated with that place. So finally after a lot of googling, calling friends and cousins I came up with a list of options where we could go thinking I could atleast coax him to try a new place now! He’s the kind you lives by the tried and tested, while I am all for exploring new restaurants and experimenting with food (see why we broke up? This is just the tip of the iceberg tho). Finally settled on a new place which sounded promising – rooftop seating and Indian food ( I knew he would pick this place before I even send him the list, hes a dal, chawal, chicken curry guy). But as if my apprehension about meeting him alone after almost 6 months wasn’t enough, we had an hour or so to kill since the restaurant opens only at 8 (we were meeting at 7), so it was back to him sending me a sms saying “ seems like we are destined to go to oxford today”, oh well, I guess I might as well get over all of it in one go. I was feeling a little weird about the whole thing, excited and apprehensive at the same time, oh and throw in nervous there too. Ya I guess that sums it all up.

Thankfully this time the powers-that-be decided that for once ‘Thee shalt nought make fool of theeself’ , so I did not get all awkward and silent when we met but rather, I was my chirpy and witty self. My nervousness all but vanished a few minutes after we sat down at ‘our’ table (which I don’t know if he noticed, but didn’t bring to his attn) and started talking about random stuff. My phone kept ringing off the hook for the first 30 mins, which I knew he didn’t like so after a bit I put it on silent and shoved it deep down in my purse.

After about an hour of bonding at the café and surprisingly no awkward moments we headed out to go to dinner. The more I struggled to make sure the evening wasn’t a walk down the memory lane, it was turning into just that. The new restaurant I wanted to try, was in one of the by lanes which we had once walked thru numerous times when we were tying to discover colaba. We were in and out of the place in less than 10 mins – the waiters snooty attitude and the fact that they didn’t serve alcohol was enough to drive us away. Once again, we were on the streets walking towards Leo’s with just one thought running through my mind – why-oh-why-does-this-have-to-happen-to-me!!!

Leo’s is the only place other than Oxford he would agree to go to for the entire 6 months we were together if we were anywhere in south Mumbai. So again Vrrrrroooooommmmmmmm – the memories came rushing back and as if this wasn’t enough we get the exact same table which we always got when we were there. This time he did notice and ask, ‘Isn’t this table we always get?’ and I meekly nod my head trying to act all nonchalant.

Other than all the flashbacks going on in the background, we had a blast. It was almost a surreal feeling. It seemed like I was thrown back in time to our first few dates when we both just sat and talked and talked and everything was so new and exciting. It was almost like re-discovering each other again, something I am glad we are able to do. I have always enjoyed his company and again realized how well we understand each other and the conversation flows so easily. There were times when I was soo happy that I wanted to cry out of happiness. I haven’t felt the way I did with him with anyone else since him. That’s the problem actually; I don’t think I am 100% over him yet. No I don’t cry myself to sleep every night thinking about him, but somewhere deep down I still miss him. If there are 50 reasons why I want to be with him, I can come up with atleast the same amount if not more for why we shouldn’t be together.

I wish I could change the things that keep us from being a great couple, I wish instead of just great friends we can have more…I wish we can be what the other wants in a partner..but will doing that change the people we are now? Will we loose our appeal if we change to become partners instead of friends?? I even made a statement during the evening saying ‘ I wouldn’t repeat the same mistake twice’ and it was refferening to our relationship, but did I really mean it? Would I be willing to risk it all again? Is that what we are headed towards??

I don’t want to fall for him again, but how ever hard I try, there’s this invisible force that keeps pulling us towards each other…..but I am soo gonna try to stay true to my word and not make the same mistake again.
Please powers-to-be, don’t keep changing the course of my life ever so often that I don’t know where I am headed towards and fall back into the past .
And please-o-please don’t you dare ruin this wonderful friendship which has started to blossom again… which makes me happy, he makes me happy. :)


PS: oh I think he thought I looked nice, but ofcourse he will never come out and say it, but he did notice my new haircut ..YAY !

Didya leave something behind??

It’s funny how we are obsessed with death and continuously work towards the whole “how to delay/stop the aging process”. No I am not gonna start rambling about the multitude of de-aging products and them all now. I got thinking about what makes people remember us after we are long gone. Do we leave specific memories or we are remembered by the way we lead our lives? Does one have to be a famous personality for the world to remember them? Of course our families and close friends will always remember we existed but what about people we interact with on a everyday causal basis. Will they remember we existed? I wish I could imprint my memory on a whole lot of people who mattered to me so that they would tell random people about me years after I was gone.
What got me started thinking about this was a conversation I had this morning with my autowala. Ya I have (rather most of my family has) these regular autowala’s who stand outside my house. At almost any given point of time you can count on them to take you wherever you want, which is a true blessing because if you live in Mumbai you know that autowala’s throw worse tantrums than a 2 year old kid who’s missed his nap.
And I need to thank my grandfather who left us almost 10 years ago for their loyalty towards our family. I was in the 10th std when he passed away (a few weeks before my board exams) and I was truly devastated. Being the first grandchild in the family and the only one for almost 9 years I was thoroughly pampered by my g’parents and uncles and aunts. When I started going to nursery school I hated it! I used to cry and cry on the way to school that I didn’t want to go to school and the moment the bus driver heartily passed me on to my school teacher I started crying that I wanted to go back into the bus(even in my little mind I knew the bus would take me back home). In those days money was considered something that shouldn’t be taken very lightly and serious consideration was taken before spending any additional rupee. Even then, unfailingly my grandfather was at my school gate the moment I ran out of my class every single day. Then he would take me to a local fast food joint and we would share an idli sambhar and a special falooda. That is one memory is will always associate with him, even though there are lot more coz he’s always been a focal point of my growing up.
Anyways coming back to today, as always I was running late to get to work and I walked down and got into one of my regular autos. They all know where I go so unless I tell them differently, we are off to the station. About a minute into the 7 min ride to the station the rickshaw wala said that my g’mom was telling him about me when he took her someplace a few days ago (yea it kinda made me happy to hear good things about mah’self specially after storming out of the house coz dad and I had an argument in the morning and I was feeling lousy). One thing led to another and he mentioned that they all still very fondly remembered my grandfather. He said something which triggered this post, they all remembered Baba because he always treated them as one of his own, and developed a special kind of kinship with them. Baba was like this with every person he interacted with, like these rickshaw wala’s and even his factory workers come home every diwali and on his death anniversary after 8 years of the factory being shut down. And we have never thought of them as employees but almost as an extended family. I still have cuttings of wire pieces from the time I used to spend days in the factory (which supplied wires to big electrical companies) sitting and playing with all different colors and types of wire samples..

I wish I could be a little bit like him and spread love and happiness to people around me.
Baba….I love you and miss you …I know wherever you are you are always looking over us and will always guide us. I wish you hadn’t left us so suddenly and were here to watch us all grow up and I knew you’d be very proud of us. Love you forever..my dearest Babu..